Did you watch Dexter (the serial killer/blood spatter expert)? Remember how he talked about his dark passenger? That is how I feel, just without the part where I want to hack people and let their bodies rest with the fishes.

I think everyone at some time in their life experience depression. I was a depressed teen – mainly because I was so different and didn’t really fit into the small town vibe. Then I left that small town and moved to my beloved Jozi and I just felt at home and that changed.

Then 2 years ago I heard the bad news and I have just not been myself since. It just sits there waiting for a moment that it can take over. It is a predator just waiting for a moment of weakness where it can get the upperhand. Every day I have to start by squishing it into a box at the back of my mind. Sometimes even the smallest event or actions can let it out.

I hate that this happened to me. I hate that I wasn’t diagnosed – until it was too late. I hate that those doctors aren’t paying for this. They loved charging for appointments…they should pay for not doing their job. Maybe it will make me feel better to take legal action against a string of doctors, maybe it will be a good distraction for me. Maybe it is just wishful thinking that any of the doctors would care that their incompetence has caused someone so much pain.


Susann is a travel, parenting, beauty and lifestyle blogger in Johannesburg, South Africa.

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