I wish there was a manual for doctors on how to treat the mother of the baby being carried by a surrogate.

Dear Doctor,

You’ve never met me, but yet you have looked after my baby since the beginning. I have paid your invoices as I got them, but yet you don’t even acknowledge me or send pictures of my baby (even though you know I exist). To you, I don’t matter – but that baby, my baby, matters more than anything in the world to me.

I know you don’t know how to handle a surrogacy “situation”, because apparently it is quite rare. However, I am still the mother of my child even if he/she is carried by another. You see, I didn’t get the care from doctors that should’ve known there was something wrong with me and now I can never fall pregnant. To be honest, multiple specialists advised me to rather just adopt or get a donated egg… but I didn’t. Instead I gave everything including my health and 5 years of my life to become a mother of my own biological child(ren).

I know my husband asked you to include me as I am feeling left out. I was standing next to him when he asked you. He has to deal with me and my tears because you don’t understand or don’t care that it is my baby. I have now put it in email to you as well, because what you are (not) doing is not right.

Now that it has happened I want to be treated like the baby is mine. You can share the joys and scans in your doctor’s rooms with the surrogate – but for f.sakes, I exist! I am not just a purse that pays your invoices, I am the mother of that baby and entitled to hear from my baby’s doctor what is happening. I can’t catch return flights for R4000+ (because only 1 airline flies there) to attend a scan because you need to be paid, the surrogate needs to be paid and I have to work to make the money so you can have it. I literally cannot be there to remind you whose baby it is… you should already know.

All I’m asking is to just be included on updates of my baby’s development from you, the doctor, even if it is just an email. I’m just literally missing out on everything all the time… just saying.


Susann is a travel, parenting, beauty and lifestyle blogger in Johannesburg, South Africa.

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